So it's come to this - I struggled and mostly persevered to breastfeed George for over a year. I was proud of it, but frankly, didn't give it much thought. It was just what I was going to do. It seemed natural. And though there were definitely days (and nights!) that I wished he would take a bottle of formula from his papa, and there was that moment of desperation when I bought the super-expensive Alimentum formula to try to soothe his poor colicky tummy, alas he was never very interested in either formula or bottle. Ada was introduced to the bottle and to formula early, since she needed to be topped up and fed while I was kept in "intensive care" post-partum for a day with blood pressure issues. We kept with it as a supplement to breastfeeding for the first few weeks. Why? Because it allowed Jean to participate in the feedings, because she seemed fine with it, because it was easy. There, I said it. The first few days, Ada was a breeze. I knocked on as much wood as I could find - George had always been a colicky, gassy, unhappy little thing. Here was a baby that would calmly breastfeed, and be placed in her bouncy chair for a nap with little to no incitement. I was in heaven. And then it began again. The obvious discomfort. The sudden crying jags, the rock-hard stomach, the frantic but fussy feedings. And, as my previous post laid out, the second-guessing started. Overactive letdown? Foremilk-hindmilk imbalance? I googled madly with one finger as I held a crying, inconsolable baby in my other arm. The nights became endless and insupportable. We had to take it in shifts - Jean would bottle feed her for the first three or four hours of the night and bring her to me for the rest of the (largely sleepless) night for her to writhe in discomfort beside me, often breaking out in crying fits.
Thank goodness George isn't a light sleeper!
I set out on that mad see-saw quest to figure things out that I remember dimly from George's infancy - should I cut out dairy? Green peppers? Caffeine? Alcohol? Should I block feed? Feed her less but more often - more but less often? I tried several solutions, all to no avail. Granted, many other moms have been far more persistent, patient and have shown far more endurance than I did when I finally decided yesterday to go to the store and buy the lactose-free formula for sensitive stomachs. I would try it, and see what happened. Within a few hours of her first feeding, she had slept longer than ever before during the night, she wasn't writhing or in discomfort. She had a bowel movement that wasn't full of unhealthy-looking mucuousy strings. (sorry for the TMI). Here we are, the morning after - she's still had some gas issues, but I'm once again knocking on wood, because she's had her bottle this morning and she's asleep quite contentedly in her swing (I have become such a career pessimist that I had to force myself to type that - convinced that she will wake immediately once I press "publish post" and will be an inconsolable mess for the rest of the day)..
My point, you ask? Well - if this is indeed a solution to her discomfort, to our hideous sleepless nights, to my endless questioning of myself and my breastmilk, then frankly, I think I'm on board with continuing with the formula feeding. Yet, there is a reticence that eats at me - for obvious reasons - society has conditioned moms to believe that "breast is best". I don't disagree - in fact, I agree quite strongly. Yet, if the bottom line is that both mom and baby are happier and are still healthy with formula feeding, then my fundamentally selfish soul seems to be curbing towards relying on formula instead of continuing the harrowing breastfeeding journey. Anyways, I speak to soon - it's totally wishful thinking on my part that this will be the solution to our digestive woes. If it's not, I guess we're back to square 1, and I'll probably start back with breastfeeding her within a few days (I'm pumping to maintain my supply until the jury is back in on this one). If she does get significantly better on the formula, then I really need to ask myself - which way do I want to go?
I'm going to make a list of pros and cons for bottle vs. breast - maybe this will help me decide (though if I'm really honest and things go well with the formula, I think I already know the answer.)
Breastfeeding
Pros:
-Best for baby in terms of nutrients, immune system
-Bonding with baby
-Makes cosleeping a breeze
-Portable food supply
-Less expense
-Social stigma of not breastfeeding
-Natural pacifier
-Easier to travel/camp/etc. - less logistics
-Weight loss
Cons:
-potential digestive issues from overactive letdown, oversupply, lactose intolerance..
-need to watch what you eat
-$ spent on pumps, breast pads, nursing clothing, etc.
-difficult to tell how much baby is eating
-awkwardness of public nursing
-pumping is time consuming
-leaking, engorgement, discomfort
Formula
-Digestive issues addressed
-Can tell how much baby is drinking
-Still has nutrients required for baby
-Sleep longer (?)
-Less embarrassment/awkwardness with public bottle feedings vs. public breastfeeding
-My breasts become mine again - spend less on nursing pads, etc. - no engorgement issues, leaking, etc.
-No time pumping required
-Dad and others can participate more fully in feedings
-Can eat, drink what I want when I want
Cons
-Less nutritionally complete, less beneficial for immune system
-Social stigma of not breastfeeding
-More expensive
-More "equipment", logistically more difficult
I'll report back when more time has passed and we've made some decisions.
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