Second-guessing

More like seventh-guessing. Or eleventh-guessing. You'd think that after having gone through the gauntlet of parenting a newborn once already, I'd have become a tad more self-assured, that some of the mysteries of the little life rocking away in her swing beside me would become a little less mysterious. Not so! No indeed, the questions, the confusion, the constant state of uncertainty is still very much the reality of life with a two-week old, I'm afraid. It is a new mother's constant companion, boon and bane.

Take, for example, my little one's near-constant issues with gas pains. She wriggles, writhes, grunts, and in the end, shrieks, on repeat. After a week of relatively easy babyhood, during which she happily ate, slept, and pooped - this has become our reality for the last week or so. Enter the guessing game. Is she not getting enough? Is she getting too much? Do I have overactive letdown? Do I have oversupply? Is her latch not correct? Is she lactose intolerant? Should I block feed? Should I change breast-feeding positions? Am I burping her wrong, or not enough? Is it the formula? The bottle? Does she have reflux? Should I be pumping more, less? What colour is her poop, what consistency? Should she be doing it more, less? Should I elevate her crib? Should I stop feeding on demand and feed more but less often? Less but more often? Should I cut out the formula completely, or stop breast-feeding completely? Do an elimination diet? But what? Dairy? Caffeine? Gassy vegetables? Alcohol? Um. How am I to survive eliminating these things??? Yikes.

Doctor google doesn't help much either. There is such an overabundance of information on-line and elsewhere now. Again, the bane and blessing of new moms. Definitely, a blessing at times, when you're looking for some answers. At the same time, there are generally at least two dozen "answers" to your questions, with varying degrees of usefulness, subjectivity, and judgement. Perhaps it's time for a google-free week, and a time of depending only on my mommy instinct for a bit. I'm not sure if I could do it. All I want is for Ada to be happy and healthy and for all of us to get some sleep!

Make Do

I admit, like any good member of a capitalist society, part of any new endeavour includes a frisson of excitement over the acquisition of new stuff to go along with it. A baby is no different. In fact, having a baby in Western society is kind of the epitome of this cult of things. From the $800 bugaboo stroller to the baby Mexx garb to the of-the-moment organic bamboo baby wrap, there's always something more to get to (supposedly) make the whole parenthood experience better, and richer, and to show off that fact to all your mommy and daddy compatriots (or is that competitors?) with logos ablaze. I've participated as gamely in this as anyone else, I admit it. Did the nursery up to the nines, got the austentatious but not-quite-bugaboo-level-pimped-out stroller. But now, as I struggle my way through the first few weeks of motherhood for the second time, it's come to me that the things aren't what have the power to make a mommy, or a baby happy. Let's face it, some of the most joyful, and precocious and accomplished people out there in the world came from very humble beginnings. They probably even endured babyhoods completely devoid of mei tei carriers and sophie the giraffes and organic purees!

I'm bringing this up for a few reasons - first of all, one of my plans for this year is to be *alot* more careful and responsible with my money. Second of all, I am hoping to find some fulfillment over the course of this year, not from acquiring things, but from what I accomplish, and how I feel about myself and my baby, beyond the filters of the adorable ruffly baby garb and all the other trappings of motherhood. Hence the motto "make do". This saying has two connotations here - first of all, it bears the usual meaning, to "make do" with what one has. I intend to spend this year, not by spending money on all sorts of extraneous stuff, but by appreciating what I have already, by learning to live on less, and by wringing meaning and experience and happiness from the raw material we already have at our disposal. This flows into the other meaning of "make do" that I will try to abide by - to "make" and to "do". Last mat leave, and in general, we try to pull far too much meaning and emotion from the act of getting, or buying, of acquiring the new. I want to switch this up - by taking what I have already in terms of raw material (my two hands, my sewing machine, my talent, my time, my camera, my computer, etc.) and making and doing with these raw materials. Making - making stories, making photographs, making memories, making clothes, making crafts, making money eve, maybe! Doing - doing more than sitting in front of the computer or the tv - exercising, photography, writing, crafting, creating, spending time with my family, learning, reading. I am hoping that this mantra will carry me through the year in such a way that I can look back on this time fondly, and feel better about myself and the future of my family as 2011 comes to a close and 2012 approaches.

What am I "leaving"?

Well, here I am - on mat leave. Once again, while my husband rushes off to the rat race, I stay tucked cozily at home, my little girl sleeping fitfully in her swing. The concerns of my workplace seem distant and trivial now, compared with the tiniest grunt of dissatisfaction issuing from that swing. Gone are my tan leather stiletto boots, Coach bag and wrap dress. In their place - Joe Fresh leggings, a grungy tank top, a nursing bra and a sweatshirt. Gone are the days of regular showers, "poor me" moments when I got less than 8 hours of sleep, straightened hair, regular meals, and...time.

So, what am I "leaving" on mat leave? I guess, in a way, I'm leaving a part of myself behind for awhile. I'm leaving my selfishness, and part of my dignity. I'm leaving a good chunk of my sleep, and a somewhat equal portion of my sanity. I'm leaving my career for awhile, and the pleasures of adult rhetoric and analytical thinking.

But what am I coming to in their stead? I am coming into the love of a little girl who is new to this place, I am coming into the unbelievably important and awe-inspiring role of a role model and a teacher. I am coming into a beautiful family of four. I am coming into the role of a mom - and all the adventures and misadventures that that implies. How does this make me feel? A little terrified, to be honest. I'd forgotten all about the foggy, sleepless nights with a restless, grunting baby writhing at your side, the sheets damp from breast milk. I'd forgotten about the constant scrutiny and judgement that you're faced with at every turn. Oh, the baby's not sleeping? Oh, you're topping her up with formula? Oh, you haven't enrolled her in eight zumba and baby yoga and Beethoven for tots courses yet? I'd forgotten about the moments when you tip-toe around your own living room, hoping to goodness that the weight of your footfall on the hardwood won't wake the finally napping infant in her swing..the desperate creep to turn the endless banal lullabye back on when it ends its song. The desperation and anger and sheer misery that wells up in you when you have a baby crying endlessly in your arms, obviously in pain.

Yet, I'm also honoured. And awe-struck. And in love. Whenever she turns her little almond-shaped eyes up at me, I can't believe how I feel. It's just a sense of pure wonderment. How did I get so lucky? First my beautiful, beloved George. Now Ada-Marie and me. We're unbelievably lucky and in spite of my anxieties and fears, I feel unbelievably privileged to embark on this adventure once more with Ada-Marie. This is a place for me to write, to explore how I feel about it all, to record the year that I will be spending with my little girl as she grows and learns and becomes a little person in her own right. I only hope that I will grow and learn and discover more about myself as a person in my own right as well. It's not going to be all rainbows and cupcakes and kittens. It's got to be honest, for my sake. So bear with me, if you happen to fall on this page. It's more for my own benefit that anything, but I am pleased to share my thoughts as well.

So, welcome to the world little Ada-Marie! You are so very loved and you are in for one heck of an adventure.